Irish With A Tan

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Amy: What Northern Irish Tourism Ads “Forget” To Tell You


Many of us who have travelled some bit are used to hearing the phrase “If you really want to get to all the cool stuff, you need to ask the locals.” And often this is true. They will even tell you about things to be ware of on your travels. However, it has come to my attention that neither the local tourist offices or people of Northern Ireland will open up about one particular feature of their land: Amy.

Should they even know about Amy in the first place? Yes. The real question is, why haven’t YOU ever heard of her? We all see those “Come to Northern Ireland Ads” on TV, usually followed by a snarky “for what?” by either you or your friends. However, Northern Ireland desperately depends on tourism (and on southeners who want to buy things for cheap around big holidays). Most of their tourists they get by stealing people from Dublin Airport who intend on visiting the Republic, with dirt cheap one way tickets to Belfast. But really, there’s only so much green grass and high sea side cliffs, that a person would be willing to risk their life for. And that’s why they keep quiet about the Amy.

I first stumbled upon this creature at a remote location a little bit south of the Northern Irish Border. Which is another reason to get educated on the matter given that this Amy knows her way down to us. She appeared at first to be a quiet creature with an intriguing air of mystique about her. My research thus far has concluded that this is her primary method of attack. In fact it’s only the beginning as Doctor Joseph Malarkey, A Cryptozoologists with a PhD in Amiology stated

“She pretends to have an air of shyness about her. But this is different than the typical shy disposition of most people. With Amy, the quietness is akin to being alone in a forest where you can hear soft music playing in the air. But the nature of it is such that you don’t know whether to admire it or run (In Search of Amy, pg 34, Malarkey 2009).”

In fact this air of shyness or “mist” as the term has come to be coined is intended to disarm any potential threats and like a pied piper, lure you to her trap. At first I had also succumbed to the music. Her short height also gives her a 4 on the Furby Adorability scale, which increases the likely hood of putting down ones defences. I tried to communicate with her and reached levels of interaction that were thought before hand to be highly improbable. My research has also uncovered that the Amy leaves Northern Ireland to come to the South, three times a year in January, July and November to a certain gathering called S.T.E.P which bares an acronym that alludes me till this day.

I managed to keep in contact with the Amy after our primary encounter had concluded. From that I did manage to gather a sleeping pattern which can involve long nights up, but hardly ever an early morning. I don’t know what I did, but somehow I managed to garner the trust of the Amy. A thought which in and of itself has managed to keep me up at night. Why does she trust me? Does she? Is she intending on expanding her territory to the South and needs a liaison? Or am I just an example to be made of what happens when people try and pry the depths of Amy. One of her many abilities has included the ability to instil a sense of anxiety into individuals by doing dangerous stunts such as skating without a helmet. One elderly witness that wishes to remain anonymous, had experienced it first hand:

“My grandson would tell me that he had seen it. And felt the fear. I didn’t believe him. Until one Sunday morning. I remember going out to buy a new pair of granny Crocs because old ones were wearing out and causing pain to my feet. On the way to Belfast in the car, I quickly slammed the breaks. There she was. I knew it had to be her… Skating with no helmet. I could only picture my grandsons face. What if she fell off! Oh my heart. I can’t. I can’t continue this interview.”

There have been reported cases of people that have suffered nightmares and even concussions due to this sight. However, when I ask for public records of these incidents from the local authorities and hospitals. People look at you as if you’re crazy. One nurse however did step forward and confirm that these incidents have actually occurred. And that she had personally treated at least three such patients saying “I’ve seen grown men with hands still shaking, days later, as if they had only just seen Amy skating a moment ago.”

At this point I knew that I was threading on dangerous grounds. So avoided being inflicted with the fear, I suggested that Amy and I move away from digital media and attempt to write letters. After sending one to her, I didn’t receive any back. I knew I had disturbed the Amy and that if my research were to continue, I would have to risk my health and continue on with digital media. Which lead to the snapchats.
Amy would send snaps with her randomly and suddenly making noises that resembled duck noises. Close enough to have a similarity but obscure enough to leave you unsure. These topped off by soundtracks from the movie Anastasia, were a cleverly designed test. A deadly one. According to Dr Joseph Malarkey “The snaps are intended to induce fits of laughter so strong that one cracks their own ribs. And the music is meant to bring about disturbing atmosphere, dramatising the event. It’s a physical and psychological attack (In Search of Amy, pg 83, Malarkey 2009).” For some reason however, I was able to withstand any such troubles. Which leads to believe from what I know so far, that this is all a test. But for what?

The strangest thing however is the ominous nature of the Amy began to fade over time. The mystery has remained. But much has improved. People are starting to see a dramatic change in the Amy. Even to the point of being able to approach without any experience of “the mist”. In fact when bringing up the incidents of the past, people acts almost as if the whole thing was blown out of proportion and that Amy, is just another average young woman. Dr Malarkey however remains to be convinced. Though if I’m honest with myself, I am. So what is the Amy. For one the definite article “the” needs to be dropped in reference to her. As to “what” exactly she is, a more fitting question would be “who”. And to answer that, I say “you’ll just have to see for yourself.” One need not fear her. A simple food offering will suffice to bring her into a good mood. But in reality there is nothing to fear. So come to Northern Ireland and get to know Amy. Because let’s be honest, what else are you going to do up there?


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This entry was posted on September 27, 2014 by in Satire and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , .
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